Where The Heart Is
by chocolatemarzipan
Summary: There is always more than one side to every story and this story has 3 sides, each telling a part of their heart that no one could ever see. (songfics)
1. Ruthless

.:Ruthless:.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own FLCL or this song. This song belongs Something Corporate.  
  
This is dedicated to AC Agpaoa, Jenny, and my friends of course.  
  
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]  
  
(set 5 months after Haruko left, in Naota's POV)  
  
Heaven. I wonder what it's like there. Is it really how they portray it in storybooks? With white eternal clouds and ethereal rays of perpetual light? Well either way I do not care for it at all, because it may be hell for all I care, but as long as Haruko is there, it is heaven, but wherever she may be at this very moment, I am not allowed there. I am not permitted to gaze on her heavenly features of her eyes, or even as little as a lock of hair. Because I am Naota Nanabada and she is Haruko Haruhara. She is an angel and I am soiled and unclean.  
  
But somehow I was blessed for a short time to have her in my life.  
  
No.. why am I happy about this...  
  
[This is the only lonely picture  
  
waiting on my floor  
  
littering my shore  
  
this is the last true burning letter  
  
given to a girl  
  
written by a boy  
  
living in a world created to destroy  
  
but if I built you a city, would you let me  
  
would you tear it down?]  
  
"Naota come down here!"  
  
The words reverberated through my head.  
  
And I just sat there like nothing was happening.  
  
I have no will to live, don't call me, stop calling me. I will not answer. I hear my father's tracks go up the stairs, yet they pause for a second and go back down. He is afraid of me. I've never seen him like that. Haruko damn you. Why did you leave?  
  
It's so different here. I am a stranger in my own house. You changed me.  
  
[but there you go for the last time  
  
I finally know now what i should have known then  
  
that I could still be ruthless if you let me  
  
but there you go and I'm not done  
  
you're waving goodbye, well atleast you're having fun  
  
the rising tide will not let you forget me  
  
forget me]  
  
We will never see each other again... and we will never get to say those words we want to or need to say. The words that could make someone leave or turn away. The words which people long to say to the person they actually truly love... and the words which could never be described. I wanted to run... I wanted to leave, I couldn't stay there... I tried to hide from my problems but I knew sooner or later they would surface again. I can tell myself to be strong and move on but when I finally see you again I can't. Why should I care? Why should I give damn at all? You never cared about me, you just proved it earlier. I remember that day last 5 months what a bunch of bullshit that was, you didn't have to say it. Why did you? I knew it wasn't true but it gave me a chance to hear those words I wanted to hear. I guess everything now was just a mistake. I tried dammit, I gave all I could just so you could fucking break my heart again. You're not worth anything. I shouldn't even had tried to make you understand. It was just a waste of time.  
  
[this is your ghost that kneels before me  
  
razors on her tongue, a body full of oxygen  
  
it wont be the last time she'll ignore me  
  
the thinning of my skin, without the strength to go  
  
the winter's setting in, to cover you in snow  
  
but if i built you a city, would you let me  
  
would you tear it down?]  
  
I ran my fingers through my hair, it was another day. I looked up at the morning sun and shut the windows, there is nothing out there. My hands akwardly flopped around, they hurt. I lowered them and looked at my wrists, blood lines, streaks tattered, beauty, as I saw it. I opened the drawer on my dresser, and picked up a razor.   
  
"Mmmhff... ouch... hhh"  
  
A few drops of blood dropped on the floor. I covered it with my rug. This is my daily cleansing ritual.   
  
My true love.   
  
[but there you go for the last time  
  
I finally know now what I should have known then  
  
that I could still be ruthless if you let me  
  
but there you go and I'm not done  
  
you're waving goodbye, well at least you're having fun  
  
the rising tide will not let you forget me  
  
forget me]  
  
Consider this the letter that I never sent, and remember me as the lover that you never met. But you do know me, I am the boy you see from the corner of your perfectly brown eyes. I am the whisper between your every breath, I am the most beautiful parts of you that I have calculated for every time I looked at you. For three years, I have sat in a void, looking at your shining smile, and your dignified ways. I was afraid to reach out and touch you, because you were too out of my range. I was lower than you, because you were an angel. So I tried to run away, I denied every flutter that arose in my heart whenever you walked by, I concealed the smile that I had whenever you looked at me. You knew though, it was obvious that I was infatuated with you. I stuttered when I talked to you, because I never wanted to show everything that I held within the bottom of my heart, the place that no one could see. But you had always liked the fake ones, who were a devil behind a thin frame and a liar behind a make up caked face. I had no chance, I was too real, I wasn't the perfect person you expected. Sure I have my faults, but so did everyone else, and you never gave me a chance. So I waited 5 months so I could see your beautiful face, after departing the memory, I was reunited with the only person I had cared about so much. As if seeing you almost every two weeks wasn't hard enough, you have to go and make my day wonderful. And for that one day, I knew what it was like to have a perfect moment with you, to be held within your arms, to see that for a few seconds, you almost loved me. So I returned, back to my normal self, pretending I never cared. I held your hand, hoping that you fullfill all of my dreams, but I was wrong. It just made me realize... that even though your here... you were never by my side at all.   
  
[I'll raise towers and climb them  
  
rivers and walk them  
  
oceans to drown in  
  
you won't make a sound in]  
  
Haruko's bass started playing.  
  
Was she back?  
  
I hurried down the stairs and into the living room.  
  
"Haruko?"  
  
I ran to the door.   
  
"WHERE ARE YOU?"  
  
It was dark outside and it had just began to sprinkle. No one was home, and I was alone once again. How I despise myself. I turned back to close the door and go back in the house.   
  
I broke down.  
  
I cried for you.  
  
Aren't you happy Haruko?  
  
I don't want to live like this anymore.  
  
I don't want to live.  
  
[but there you go for the last time  
  
I finally know now what I should have known then  
  
that I could still be ruthless if you'll let me  
  
but there you go and I'm not done  
  
you're waving goodbye, but at least you're having fun  
  
the rising tide will not let you forget me  
  
...forget me]  
  
Time. As if all inevitable things could come to an end. As if standing on a grave thats freshly dug couldn't even seem more grim. As if being a year older would make me wiser. No... that would never happen. It's lent tomorrow... a chance to have a "so called" renewal wth ashes. Why would you clean yourself with dirt? There's no purpose, no sense of living whatsoever lingering in my bones. I'm a year older tomorrow but still not any smarter. I'm never going to stop. Don't you understand? Death doesn't scare me anymore. Cutting. Bleeding. Hurting. It all seems so trivial. Cut marks are just lines on my skin now, not wounds. Blood is just a liquid, not something to be feared. Hurt is just an act, it isn't suffering. No pain ever filters through anymore. All it is a cut wide across the canvas of my skin. Waiting to be opened. Waiting to be played with by a knife or a razor. Steel colder than death itself slicing life apart in two. Never going deep enough to rupture the vessel of the very pain that seeps within the bones of loneliness. Just enough to see liquid mercury to spill out of milky white silk, just enough to let all the illness and darkness inside. Enough to see all the tears stream down my eyes, and for those moments, I feel alive. Asyphixating on the very malignancy that spreads from the corner of my eye down to my lungs. Waiting to be torn apart by the devil that resides on the inside. All I'm doing now is waiting for my chance, to be the lucky one, to steal my very chance at life and pull it with a black cord. To watch it tumble into the concrete after being thrown off a pedestal 100 stories high. To suck the very life out of me would be a joy. To ruin what is on loan by our Creator, to destroy the very thing that gives me every single breath of polluted air that once was so beautiful and pure. Everything is ruined for me. Don't worry though I won't do anything. This is my time, to watch every thing I have be taken away from me before my very eyes, this is the time for me to watch myself drown in misery. The simple calm, quiet, chaos before the torrent of storms. It's my waiting time, but isn't this the worse time? Where you can assume that I will do something, because I will. No one can deal with me anymore, I'm so hell bent on these thoughts of suicide, that it has totally consumed me. It is easy to live, to take every single step down your road to whatever might be waiting for you. But tell me, what do you see there? Cuz I see nothing. Just darkness and every damn routine repeating itself day after day. Yet when they read my note they will shake their heads in despair saying things like I couldn't deal with life, or some other nonsensical bullshit. Sucide isn't based on whether or not you can deal with life, or even on weakness. It is based on the fact that you want to gain power. The power to break or make it. The power that gives you seconds before you slip away into a neverending dream.. the seconds condensed into your entire life, the most beautiful thing on earth.   
  
I wish this could all end.  
  
I took that knife...  
  
and slashed it on my wrist.  
  
"Goodbye."  
  
-------------------------  
  
VV swizzle reviewizzle 


	2. Konstantine

.:Konstantine:.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own FLCL or this song. This song belongs Something Corporate.  
  
This is dedicated to AC Agpaoa, Jenny, and my friends of course.  
  
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]  
  
A sattelite. A celestial body orbiting the Earth. So far... yet remnants of those left behind still linger.   
  
I sighed.  
  
And I swirled the bitter drink in my cup round and round. Like a tornado in a glass. I pressed it on my lips.  
  
"Ta-kun..."  
  
It was a normal day. The world swished around me like trees in a soft breeze. This is my home now. An abandoned sattelite in the middle of the dark coldness of space.   
  
[I can't imagine all the people that you know   
  
and the places that you go   
  
when the lights are turned down low   
  
and I don't understand all the things you've seen   
  
but i'm slipping inbetween   
  
you and your big dreams   
  
it's always you   
  
in my big dreams]  
  
I looked in my yellow pack...  
  
Letters.  
  
It was a rainfall of paper. They all scattered against the cold metal floor. I picked one up.  
  
"Dear Haruko,  
  
come back, don't leave me.  
  
-Naota"  
  
I let my fingers run through the letters. The pall point pens ink was still fresh. Even though it was so long ago. How he had begged me not to leave. It was a shame... and I still remember vividly that day. I couldn't bring him and no matter how many times I'd tell myself he belonged here. I knew he didn't. He told me once all we had was daytime, twilight, pitch black, nightlight. I never believed him either until now. It was a cycle of how our lives are. The happiness, the sadness, the pain, and nothing. Now it's pitch black inside and out.  
  
[and you tell me that it's over   
  
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers   
  
and your restless, and i'm naked   
  
you've gotta get out   
  
you can't stand to see me shaking   
  
no   
  
could you let me go?   
  
I didn't think so  
  
and you don't wanna be here in the future   
  
so you say the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past   
  
and you don't wanna look much closer   
  
cuz your afraid to find out all this hope  
  
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed   
  
and it did   
  
because of me  
  
and then you bring me home   
  
afraid to find out that you're alone   
  
and i'm sleeping in your living room   
  
we don't have much room to live]   
  
So I guess it ends right here, below the line you traced with chalk. You held it in your hand and placed it in mine. "You're way to special" you said with those beautiful eyes that I used to cherish and adore. You used to say you'd love me better... that you'd always care for me more. I believed in you. I thought everything you had once said was true, and as the days went by the sky darkened. Maybe it's hard to believe that the light went out and you pushed me away. After I led you back from being astray. You took everything for granted, and you ran out the door. I still remember the days, of our untouched rasberry kisses, and when our talks that would last so long that the moon would leave us, leaving room for the sun. I'm addicted, I swear, just one more word from your lips and I'll die. Everything you do, everything you say, always deserts me to someplace far away. But now, your eyes are cold brown daggers that pierce through my skin. You know I'll be there still. I don't know what to do, my heart is bruised, so sad, but true, everything reminds me of you. I hate to show I lost control, but I keep going back, to you, it all leads back to you, what did I do to deserve this. I need to walk away from you.  
  
I thought I had him, but in fact I didn't.   
  
I let him go.  
  
[I had these dreams that i learned to play guitar   
  
maybe cross the country   
  
become a rock star   
  
and there was hope in me that i could take you there   
  
but dammit you're so young   
  
well i don't think i care   
  
and if i hurt you   
  
then i'm sorry   
  
please don't think that this was easy   
  
then you bring me home   
  
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone   
  
and i'm dreaming in your living room   
  
we don't have much room to live]   
  
I love you.  
  
He kissed me.  
  
It was all so sudden... I didn't even capture the feeling, the moment. I can't be sad. I'm Haruko. I'm always happy and cheerful and...  
  
sad.  
  
Well maybe no one knew that. There's more to me than the surface. I'm so lonely. On the inside. Maybe I do need someone, instead of just myself. I have been alone for a long time. I was searching for something, in this deep blue outer space. I don't know what though. I thought maybe if I was more like you, or if you were more like me we could somehow work everything out, but that doesn't seem to be true now does it. I hate being wrong. But most of all I hate not being me.  
  
[and konstantine is walking down the stairs   
  
doesn't she look good   
  
standing in her underwear   
  
and i was thinking   
  
what i was thinking   
  
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere]   
  
my Konstantine came walking down the stairs   
  
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair   
  
and i've been thinking   
  
it hurts me thinking that these nights  
  
when we were drinking no they never got us anywhere   
  
no]   
  
I took a pen out of my pocket and grabbed a used paper of the floor.   
  
"Dear ..."  
  
I couldn't bear to write anymore but something inisde me urged me to keep going.  
  
"No matter how much I try to get you off my mind it seems like I can't and I know deep inside you probably feel used or even confused about what I feel about you. Not that I blame you though. I feel like I've changed you and in some way you've changed me too. Who knows if it's for the better or even for the worse, all I know is that having you even for a while is the most important thing I have ever done. I know sometimes you can't really relate to me and sometimes you don't know why I do the things I do, but I care for you and I never want you to feel isolated and alone. I love you. And however many times I may forget to say it in the future always know that I do. I know I'm not the perfect girl for you, and I know that with me it's going to be tough. But I would risk it all just to have one chance with you all over again. One more chance to make everything right. I've never ever felt this way before or have dreamt of feeling this way. I'm so afraid that if I lose you, I'll lose everything all over again. I look at you and I see wonder and awe, I see all the remarkable qualities that sometimes I wish I could have. You are the most incredible thing I've ever seen. I look at you and I see the strength that could hold up the world and the courage that could traverse the entire world without any sense of doubt whatsoever. I hear your voice and I feel the sweet sincerity and honesty. I touch you and I feel the warmth and beauty that radiates within you. I love you so much. And I'm sorry."  
  
I put the pen down and sighed.  
  
[this is because i can spell konfusion with a k   
  
and i like it   
  
it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it   
  
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car   
  
but this time im alone and I dont see those stars  
  
I'm not your star   
  
isn't that what you said   
  
what you thought this song meant  
  
and if this is what it takes   
  
just to lie in my mistakes   
  
and live with what i did to you   
  
and all the hell I put you through   
  
I always catch the clock   
  
it's 11:11   
  
and now you want to talk   
  
it's not hard to dream   
  
you'll always be my konstantine   
  
konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do   
  
no they'll never hurt you like i do   
  
no, no, no no no no no no]   
  
I woke up and the sun rose.  
  
It touched the tips of my fingers.  
  
I felt the heat shift throughout my body and I took a look outside of this abandoned space stations. The light shone through the tinted glass panel.  
  
It was beautiful, and then I realized,   
  
I was searching for something I already had all along.  
  
[this is to a girl who got into my head   
  
with all the pretty things she did   
  
hey   
  
you know   
  
you keep me up in bed   
  
this is to a girl who got into my head   
  
with all the fucked up things i did   
  
hey   
  
maybe   
  
baby   
  
you could keep me up in bed   
  
my Konstantine   
  
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen   
  
and i said   
  
did you know i missed you?   
  
oh god i miss you  
  
and then you bring me home   
  
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no   
  
and you'll kiss me in your living room   
  
i know   
  
you'll miss me in your living room   
  
cuz these nights i think maybe that i'll miss you in my living room   
  
we don't have much room   
  
i said does anybody need that room?   
  
because we all need a little more room   
  
to live]   
  
I shut the door behind me and went to close it forever.  
  
My heart is where it is at the moment. With Naota.  
  
I sat on my Vespa and rode off.  
  
"Naota..." 


	3. Globes And Maps

.:Globes and Maps:.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own FLCL or this song. The song belongs to Something Corporate.  
  
This is dedicated to AC Agpaoa, Jenny, and my friends of course.  
  
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]  
  
[Light breaks underneath a heavy door  
  
And I try to keep myself awake  
  
Fall all around us on our hotel floor  
  
And you think that you've made a mistake  
  
And there's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge  
  
And I struggled to get myself up again]   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Maybe today I can rewind everything.. maybe I can stop the eternal ticking clock that seems to always mess up with me.. my story. I know I'm pathetic... it's not like being the mayor's daughter makes me higher above anyone else, but sometimes it makes a nice facade to elude those who try to know the real me, the real Ninamori Eri. I could tell you anything you ever wanted to know, about politics, about science, about being a girl who could get whatever she wanted.. but only sometimes. I just don't know one thing thing.. that's Naota. I never understood what was wrong ever since that girl left, hah I'm lying to myself. I never understood him from the beginning. Not that I'm trying to rationalize my feelings for him or anything... but he was in contrast to me. My perfect house, a big mansion with stained glass windows with angels painted in the center, he was the exact opposite: he was messy and unroutined. He was everything I ever wanted. But now.. he's not like that anymore. He sits around on the balcony of his house, his eyes dull and sad, his body stretched out and placed against the railing. Swishing all those bitter drinks in his mouth. I called to him one day at night, he was looking to the sky. I knew why on the inside too but I didn't want to bring up the topic, I didn't want to see him cry.   
  
"Naota, why don't you just go to school just once..."  
  
He sighed and just kept staring.  
  
"What a lost cause.." I mumbled.  
  
I turned my back on him and walked away... a block up the street he called to me.  
  
"I don't care anymore Ninamori."  
  
I felt hot iron slap across my face. I was angry.   
  
"You know what, I don't care, you can stay there and rot for all I care!"  
  
He flinched a little. My work was done... I never thought he cared about what I said to him, but now I could tell it actually did affect him. And I regreted it... for the past week I kept replaying over and over in my head what had just happened. It stung. But then he showed up to school, drink in hand, hair combed messily, and I was there next to him, sharing my book of "Romeo and Juliet" with him. Watching him fall apart when it came to the parts when they even mentioned the word "love". I was mad and depressed on the inside.. he didn't deserve this.  
  
I grabbed his hand for one of the first times in my life.  
  
"I'm sorry Naota."  
  
He looked at me through eyes blurred with unshed tears.  
  
"Don't- worry--"  
  
A heavy sigh exasperated through his lungs.  
  
"about it..."  
  
So that was my beginning to the reconciliation with him. I was a member of the church of Naota. Washing pews of sadness. Shutting the door on the coldness of life that seemed to go in through tiny cracks of a barrier that he put around him. Maybe I was jealous of her, or was it just protection from the chaos she had caused him four years ago. I just didn't know that putting him inside my life.. would tear me up.  
  
Love,  
  
Ninamori Eri   
  
[I wanna hang onto something  
  
That won't break away or fall apart  
  
Like the pieces of my heart]  
  
I closed the book secretly dispersing knowledge of my life through black ink. I heard a voice overhead call me.  
  
"Whatcha doing?"  
  
I looked up, black eyes stared at me... guarding me from the eternal sunshine.  
  
"Nothing really."  
  
His face went in closer to me, and I felt his soft lips brush against my cheek. A blush appeared in my face.  
  
"So what are we going to do today?"  
  
My eyes grazed over the scenic surroundings of the park.   
  
"How about lets stay here?" I motioned for him to sit right next to me.  
  
He slid his body on the marble of the bench.   
  
A beautiful place like this deserves a beautiful person like him. The birds sang while flying endlessly through cherry blossom trees. It was spring and the temperature was perfect. The wind blew around the trees sending petals on the floor like a pink rain. One fell into his hair. I grabbed it in the palm of my hand.. the softness felt nice on me.  
  
Maybe one day he'll understand how much... he means to me.  
  
[And globes and maps are all around me now  
  
I wanna feel you breathe me  
  
Globes and maps I see surround you here  
  
Why won't you believe me?  
  
Globes and maps they charter your way back home  
  
Do you wanna leave or somethin? ]  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I woke up tangled in the sheets of the bed of a boy who seems to steal my heart more and more every day. The pattern of blue plaid dazzled me. I'm breathless... and I can't understand everything that has happened. But now I am in my prison writing to you about everything that means something to me. I could give you no reasons to why I feel this way. Except maybe a thought. Naota. He is the holder to all that I have built, he is the only thing that I am willing to live for.  
  
I'm scared though.. so many questions..  
  
What if she comes back?  
  
Why and how did this happen?  
  
Why am I so afraid?  
  
What if everything falls apart?  
  
What if he doesn't feel the same way?  
  
I need answers. This the only thing I have never been able to solve.   
  
It makes me happy yet.. it makes me sad.  
  
Is life truly both at once?  
  
Love,  
  
Ninamori Eri  
  
[And dreams came around you in a hazy rain  
  
You opened your mouth wide to feel them fall  
  
And I write a letter, from a one-way train  
  
But I don't think you'll read it at all ]  
  
My dream has broken.   
  
I got home today with a smile across my face.. waiting for whatever news that was goin to come my way. I felt like I could take anything on.. no matter how bad. My maid approached me...  
  
"Miss.. you got a call from Naota saying to call him."  
  
I was exstactic to hear his voice. How long has it been? A year since we have been going out, and I still feel the same way. I dialed his number on the ivory paneled phone.  
  
"Hello... can I please talk to Naota?"  
  
"It's me"   
  
"Ohh what did you want to tell me?"  
  
"You know that girl I always talk about?"  
  
My heart stopped.  
  
"Well she's back! Haruko's back.. I'm so happy! Aren't you?"  
  
My heart broke.  
  
"Yeah-- of course I am.. I'm so happy for you Naota..."  
  
"NAOTA!! COME HERE CUTIE!-- well I guess I call you back later Ninamori.."  
  
"Sure"  
  
I hung up. I couldn't cry. I just sat there and grabbed a pillow off my milky white couch embellished with gold tassels, and I sank to the floor. The tiles imported from Italy shined with a golden twinge. I stared at the mirrored ceiling.   
  
"Wrong again Ninamori" I said to myself.  
  
I guess his heart wasn't where I thought it was. I shouldn't have tried to ground him here with me.. he belongs in the stars with shining incredible things that I could never understand. I always live half a life.  
  
I'm too sheltered.   
  
[And globes and maps are all around me now  
  
I wanna feel you breathe me  
  
Globes and maps I see surround you here  
  
Why won't you believe me?  
  
Globes and maps they charter your way back home  
  
Do you wanna leave or somethin?]   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Naota and I broke up today. My worst fears have happened.  
  
I shouldn't have gotten close.  
  
I should have just stayed away.  
  
I was so serious about everything. I needed someone out there. Who knew how to live without being strung on to a platform that made all the right moves for you. Maybe life isn't supposed to be so serene and tranquil maybe all this chaos eventually turns you into a better person. I don't get this lesson. I'm losing everything again. I'm stupid... people say I should let go... he's slipping away through my fingers. The fingers he fit so perfectly in, that's why we have those spaces in between, so someone else's could be there. True love cannot be found where it does not exist, nor can it be denied where it does. I can't lie, I can't deny, he knows but he doesn't care, all he wants to be is my friend. Our time is up... Don't ever give up if you still want to try, don't ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry. Don't ever settle for an answer if you still want to know. Don't ever say you don't love him if you can't let him go. I didn't give up... I never did, I just can't go around thinking about him anymore. I can't deal with this, its just to hard, I can't understand why every night I have to dream about him, even in my dreams I still can't talk to him. This is what I want, for him to be happy, and for me to let him go. Give me answers, I'll never see you again, just tell me the truth, for once. Just tell me you hate me, you know it's true. Who could ever love someone like me, I was your friend, and I told you I loved you, I was an idiot. You could never love me I was just too different, we were never on the same level, you were always one step above me. How come when I learned my lesson I still can't let go? It's easy, because I don't want to be the person who lets go.  
  
Somehow it's ok.. I've lost myself;  
  
It's okay Ninamori.  
  
[And I can't take this anymore  
  
Well I know that I can't take this anymore  
  
I can't take this anymore  
  
Cuz I know someday I'll see you walk out that door]   
  
A walk in a park.  
  
This day will be forever etched into my memory. Today is my last day in Masabe. I carry my luggage with me. It's heavy but I think I can carry it to my taxi. Many heavy burdens are carried in this bag-- love, life, death, sadness, anger. I hope one day I'll be able to set them free.   
  
"Tak-kun!"  
  
I looked over my shoulder to see what was taking place.   
  
There he was wearing his school uniform, and she was there too. She was wearing the girl version of the uniform . He waved to me and she did too. It seemed surreal like I was watching a movie. He ran up to me..  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
I let out a heavy sigh.  
  
"I'm finally getting out of here..."  
  
He seemed worried.   
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
I let my bag on the floor.  
  
"I don't belong here."  
  
I started walking away...  
  
"Why don't you just go back to the school just once... then you won't have to leave"  
  
I didn't say anything.  
  
"I'm too lost to even look at you." I said under my breath.  
  
He stood there with Haruko... staring.  
  
"I don't care anymore Naota. Goodbye."  
  
A tear ran down my cheek as I walked away. Tears are something foreign to me. This is the first time I cried.  
  
And worst of all I cried for you.  
  
And so history repeats itself.  
  
I'm doing this for you Naota.. you're free.  
  
[And globes and maps are all around me now  
  
I wanna feel you breathe me  
  
Globes and maps I see surround you here  
  
Why won't you believe me?  
  
Globes and maps they chart your way back home  
  
So Do you wanna leave? Do you wanna leave?  
  
Globes and maps they chart your way back home  
  
Do you wanna leave or somethin?]  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I don't know in what point in time I forgot how to love. How it felt to be warm inside. How it felt to actually be alive. So many tears I spilled so many ashes I had scattered against my life. So many people I haven't let in. Worst of all I didn't believe. Now here I am wishing I was beside you right now. Just telling you how I felt just wishing everything I whisper will reach you somehow, that some rift in the world will allow you to know, so I don't have to tell you.   
  
I wish I could hold your hand, just to feel you... just to be near you. Just to know everything about you, everything I love, everything I dream about. Everything I feel that makes everything shimmer and glitter as if the whole word was a diamond. With as many facets as everything I think makes you so worth caring about. I can't tell you though, I'm just a faint shadow like the ones you cast when you smile. I can't do anything sometimes... I'm immobilized by your words and it just gets so hard to breathe. Cuz even though your so close you seem so far. And no matter how much I try so hard to stand I can't help but stumble and it's hard that you won't be able to catch me when I fall. I need you. I need your thoughts, your words, your everything. I'm so dependent on you that I just can't seem to live without you.  
  
Maybe fairy tales don't always have to end in happy endings.  
  
The last page of my diary is filled.  
  
Love,  
  
Ninamori Eri  
  
Often times we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn't mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped caring. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.   
  
If this is true then so I say to you for one last time.. goodbye.  
  
I carefully closed my diary. It's hard shiny black cover reflected in the sun.   
  
"Whatcha doing?"  
  
I couldn't look up.  
  
"Ninamori... please look at me..."  
  
I shattered on the inside and looked with eyes filled with tears at his glorious angel face.  
  
"I'm sorry..."  
  
It pained me to look. Then he grabbed my hand.   
  
I turned my head away from him while violent tears battered my face.   
  
"No.. please Naota just go.."  
  
"Why?" He held my arms tightly.  
  
"You don't love me... you love Haruko.. she's perfect for you. She's everything that I'm not and she's everything I am but better."   
  
He let go softly.  
  
"If that was true then I wouldn't be here."  
  
He stared out into the distance. And his lips parted slowly.  
  
"I just realized.. what love is... it's not a infatuation, it's not a crush, it's not defined by who's prettier or who has a better personality, it's not created by flowery words and elaborate understandings, it's not made in a week, it's not gone within a century, it's not a deep bond you share with a person, it's not how good a person makes you feel."  
  
He looked at me.  
  
"It's just you."  
  
He held both of my hands.  
  
"I'm sorry for those tears I made you cry, and I'm sorry for making it seem like all I did with you was just a joke."  
  
He held me close.  
  
"I love you Ninamori Eri."  
  
Then he kissed me on the lips.. after a year without him it felt like a homecoming. Maybe it isn't the grandest or most romantic thing possible, but I don't need that in life. I don't need a beautiful house, or a white picket fence.   
  
Just Naota.  
  
Just him.  
  
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]  
  
The END!  
  
PLEASE REVIEW!! ' 


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